My Life Laid Out

So I'm fat

2010-03-08T22:33:00.002+10:30

Having a bit of a "I hate my body" moment so instead of letting it sit I will write about it, get it out in the open and I'll feel better about it as it will help me come up with solutions.

I am currently 76kgs. I am only 155cms or 5'1". I am a size 12-14 depending on the style and company. Size and weight doesn't really bother me as much as how i FEEL. I feel so tired and sick when I don't exercise so why don't I do it? because. but. excuse after excuse. There is no excuse, there is only me. Yes I was teased and bullied about my weight as I grew up. But that is no excuse as to why I let myself get unhappy. I want to do the city to bay run/walk. But I won't get there unless I push myself to do something.

We are due to do a big grocery shop. I am going to change what we get for everyday meals. I am going to remove all unhealthy snack options. I will stop snacking after dinner. It is only done out of habit anyway. I need to start having breakfast in the morning. And a cup of green tea would go down well as well.

I know what to do. I just need to DO IT.

Before, After and After

2010-02-23T19:20:00.012+10:30

So here is the next update of me in a bikini. January 2008, January 2009 and February 2010. I think I've become "comfortable" this year but I've also lost a bit in the legs.

I am back at the gym now so we'll see how I look next January :)

Happy year

2010-02-19T12:38:00.002+10:30

It has been a happy year so far. No major dramas, no major money troubles, everything is fresh and new and we have plans! Pat and I have joined a gym and we go as often as possible which is making us feel awesome. I need to focus on strengthening my core as I get a lot of lower back pain and so far it is working.

Pat started a new job last year and even though it isn't in the field he wants, it is stable and pays well and he enjoys it. I have changed occupations and left hospitality for Reception. I am currently unemployed although I am with a temp agency and did a 4 week stint at a building company. I am looking for work but I am not too worried about something popping up. It will come along when it does.

We are looking at buying a house in the near future. We would like to build and have been looking at plan prices and land prices. We will be having meetings with banks soonish and finding out where we stand loan wise right now and where to go from here.

Vanessa started school this year. It's been a roller coaster ride for sure but she is starting to settle into the routine of school now. She enjoys it a lot and is excited every morning to go. When she's older I'm sure I'll get the "I'm sick" "I'm too tired" excuses.

I have been a bit slack in the fact that I haven't taken a January 2010 weight photo. So I will do so sometime next week and pop up the last 3 years and how my body has changed. I don't think there will be much change in the last year but I am happier with how I look now than I did then as I am fitter and healthier thanks to the gym.

My Life Laid Out

It will be ok

2009-08-01T09:44:00.002+09:30

So after a few months of living pay check to pay check and a lot of the time any change we can find, we are finally seeing the brighter side of the track. We have gone through everything we pay, sorted out what we don't need to pay and setting things in motion to help get us through the tough points. Our tax returns have helped but only to get us non essentials like a new TV etc (out TV's blue screen is BLACK so we need a new one). My hours at work have picked up now the holidays are over which is going to help A LOT!! I now work in one week what I had been working per fortnight if that at all. It has taken a lot of stress off our backs and minds which means happier us. And we now have the opportunity to spend a little on us. Like go see a movie, or go out for tea etc.

We will endeavor to keep our finances in check, even though no matter what we try we always get to a point where we struggle again. But with what we are going to put into place those hard times won't be as frequent or as hard as it used to be.

My Life Laid Out

Oh what a night!!

2009-07-19T12:09:00.004+09:30

Yesterday was my 25th birthday. So of course having it land on a Saturday I had a party. It was themed (as I LOVE theme parties) and it was come dressed up as something that begins with the first letter of your name. I dressed up as Jack in the box which of course made room for alot of "box" jokes. Pat was a Pterodactyl which made a few people have to stop and think as it is a silent P. There was a Maid, Journalist, Cab Driver, Stick Figure, Jigsaw... a whole range. Not alot was drunk but it wasn't needed as the atmosphere was great! I hadn't seen alot of people who were there for a fair while so it was great to catch up.

I made a banana slice and choc coconut slice and some biscuits for nibbles, the banana slice being a bit of a hit. And made my own lemon birthday cake as I love lemon cake and I didn't trust Pat to make it good enough. Hehehe.

My muscles are a little sore this morning as I was jumping and bouncing around all night. And I have a huge bruise on the side of my calf due to me slipping off a step outside the kitchen window. The kids were well behaved too which is great. No kiddie mishaps or tantrums.

All in all it was a great night and I can't wait to see the photos everyone took!!

Email Jokes #1

2009-05-21T12:12:00.002+09:30

I'd thought I'd post up an email joke I got today. Saves forwarding it to everyone xD

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be fucked!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room

Easter weekend and other thoughts

2009-04-13T18:22:00.008+09:30

After dropping Vanessa off with my mum at Horsham on Thursday night (got home at 2am) Pat and I drove to Port Pirie to see his family for Easter. We always have a good time when we visit there. As much of a boring town it is being able to sit and relax and do nothing for a few days is a luxury we seldom can afford.

Pat has a very close knit family, and being in a close knit town they always have interesting gossip to tell. They are always very laid back and down to earth and full of advice. A few of them are into real estate (buying, renovating, selling, renting etc) and as Pat and I want to be buying our own place hopefully in the next 5 years it's great to get advice from them now. Apparently now is the best time to buy. Unfortunately we can't do that but we're hoping they can help us out advice wise when we are financially ready to go for it.

I love Pat's mum. She is what I would like my own mother to be. As much as she worries for her kids she doesn't force or demand anything from them. She lets them follow what it is they want to do. She gives advice and encouragement where needed and if they don't follow the advice so be it. No guilt trips, no sighing. None of the things that my mother is.

I know it isn't wholly my mums fault that she is who she is. But it is hard for me to see Pat's mum and everything she is and then look at my mum and not be angry at her for not being there emotionally for me. Just wanting me to succeed and accomplish things that SHE wanted of me not what I wanted of me. I understand that she only wanted better for me than she had herself (She always worked in warehouses or supermarkets) but what I need from her isn't what she is capable of giving me unfortunately.

Anyway, the weekend was a great one and we want to have more weekends like it. We are looking into buying some camping gear so when Pat has a weekend off all three of us can go and camp somewhere for one or two nights to get away from everything. I go my parents a camping guide for Victoria for Christmas one year and I want to get one for SA.

NB: I have been three weeks without my antidepressants and have had no major drops, minor ones but nothing considerable. Been handling negative situations well.

I have added to my Positives of Jess List:

- I read to Vanessa nearly every night
- I have nice eyes
- I have a lot of love to give
- It doesn't take me long to learn to play any instrument
- I love to dance
- Try to make sure I get Vanessa's favourite foods when I go shopping
- Make sure Pat has a decent meal every day
- Will go out of my way to help a friend
- Contagious smile
- Tries to see the positive in everyone
- A people person
- Caring
- Love music
- Esoteric passions; tarot, stones/crystals, the afterlife etc
- Movie buff
- Good cook
- Good at my job
- A kid at heart

My Life Laid Out

A Happier Me

2009-04-06T22:02:00.000+09:30

I can't remember the last time I was this happy. I can't seem to stop smiling, I am full of positive energy and I can see the lighter side of everything. I haven't been taking my anti depressants for about a week now and I am at that time when I would be the most snappy and moody person you ever encountered, but not this time.

Not everything is going right. We only have one car as Pat's decided not to work at 12.30am one night so we have to pay for that to be fixed. Centrelink made a HUGE mistake 6 months ago and now we owe them $1600 which we have to appeal; but it's not bringing me down like it normally would.

I don't know exactly what it is but it may have something to do with me working. I have always enjoyed working and I love the job I am in now. I am contributing to the relationship financially as well as emotionally and I don't feel so much like a failure anymore. I am WANTING to get up each morning and when I finish work I'm not dying to sit down and mope for a while I keep going and do things because I can and not because I need or have to.

I have also realised that my relationship with Pat is getting stronger and closer as time goes on and it still has that spark we had over 2 years ago. It's still fun and we still enjoy each others company. I look forward to spending time with him each day be it a few minutes because of our work commitments or a whole day.

Vanessa has also improved and grown. She is now toilet trained and hasn't had an accident for two weeks. She is writing alot more now and loves to play word games. She has also gotten really tall!!

Life is just going really well for me and I hope it continues to do so, and if it doesn't that I can hold onto how I'm feeling at the moment and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My Life Laid Out

Spacing things out

2009-03-30T21:56:00.003+10:30

During my sessions with my therapist we talk alot about spacing things out. I have a habit of doing all or nothing. I will get a huge urge to up and clean everything I can get my hands on; bathroom, kitchen, lounge, laundry. If I don't achieve all that I want to during these spurts of energy I get frustrated and upset and feel a failure. That in turn makes me tired and just want to lie in bed and do nothing till the next surge happens.

I am working on this by spacing out each household job. I write To Do lists and try and stick with them. If I do more than whats on the list then I have a sense of achievement which is a great thing for me to feel. Now that I am working I have to space things even more as work takes alot out of me. Working is helping me with my habit as well as helping to solve out financial struggles so it's kicking two of my problems out the door.

I wrote out this weeks To Do list:

Monday: General Tidy

Tuesday: 1 Load of whites
Vacuum
Cook Dinner

Wednesday: 1 Load of darks
Mop
Cook Dinner

Thursday: Complete washing
General Tidy
Cook Dinner

Friday: Cook Dinner

Saturday: Clean bathroom/toilet
Cook Dinner

Sunday: General Tidy
Cook Dinner

As you can see I have allowed myself Friday to do my own thing. I decided to give myself one day a week to relax and not do any housework. At the moment all I ask Pat to do is dishes. As my hours at work increase I will have to ask him to do more. I feel as though I shouldn't as he works hard and as his shifts are all over the place he gets exhausted. He says for me to ask for help and he doesn't mind but I feel as if it is my job to do the housework. I know this is, in a way, wrong but it's a way in which I show him I love him. That I appreciate everything he does to keep us afloat. I guess you could call it a gesture of love.

I love doing things for others, and this is my way of doing something for my family.

My Life Laid Out

I GOT A JOB!!!

2009-03-18T20:38:00.004+10:30

After a great day down at The Norwood to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, I think I gained some luck of the Irish as soon I will be bringing in my own pot of gold. Got a call this afternoon from the manager at Aroma Cafe, who I had an interview with last week asking me to come in for an induction and to start work next week. Of course I said yes!!

After 6 months of looking this is VERY exciting and it's the line of work I wanted!! I love working in cafes as you get a whole variety of people coming in as well as regulars and they are always busy. I love a fast paced environment and as I will be doing customer service I get to interact with everyone that comes in and will always be busy.

The cafe is situated on a UniSA campus here in Adelaide so there will be a lot of people my age coming in. I've been thinking lately about how to meet more people my age but it's hard when I have a 4 year old. But such is life and I always meet new friends at work so here's hoping!

My Life Laid Out

Thoughts after a session

2009-03-12T14:36:00.005+10:30

**These are the thoughts that go through my head after a session with my psychologist. They may be a bit jumbled and everywhere**

I am not a bad mother. In the four and a half years of my daughters life I have always thought that of myself. It is only recently that I have come to realize that I am a good mum. You wouldn't know it but saying that is an extremely hard thing for me to do. I am not good with compliments. I don't think very highly of myself and when someone does compliment me I wonder what it is they really want. They are saying something good about me because they want something from me. I have to stop thinking this way and start telling myself everything good about me. So in the next three weeks I will be writing a list of all the good points of me. "Easy" you say. Not very after years of constant bullying, being put down by my family and bad relationships.

I will attempt to stop fighting my mother when I don't get the emotional support I need from her. I won't get it as she is not built that way. She will be there supporting me when I am achieving something or supporting myself financially but when things tack a downward turn she doesn't know how to be there to comfort me. I need to find a way to tell her what I'm doing with my life, good or bad, without her telling me to do it differently or something completely different or for her to want to "fix" it. To not let what she says about me, or the people I care about, get to me. At the moment I can't talk to her about anything to do with jobs, money or Vanessa's progress without her finding everything negative in the situation, telling me how to go about it all and what I really should be doing.

I hate my mum making me the reason her and my dad fight most of the time. I am a very emotionally run person so I crave emotional support above any other. My dad can give me the emotional support I need. He will listen when I need to vent, he will tell me its ok when things go wrong. My mum can't do that. I'm close with my dad and mum is very jealous of that. Dad worries about me and vents to mum. When I visit mum brings it up so I explain whats been going on with me and dad understands, but because he doesn't say anything mum has a go at him for sitting back and letting her be the bad guy but all the while she continues on at me about doing everything wrong.

I am slowly finding the triggers that set of my bad thought patterns. Every time I find one I take a breathe and focus on what I am doing instead of the instant thought that comes into my head which helps me stay focused on the situation and not drift off into a downward spiral of self bullying. When I am spending time with Vanessa I have a million and one thoughts going on about what else I need to do, what I could be doing instead, but I try and keep my focus on what I'm doing with Vanessa and soon those thoughts stop and I enjoy the time with Vanessa more. I'm not saying I don't enjoy it otherwise, I do, I just put so much pressure on myself to achieve so much each day that I know I won't get through it all so I call myself a failure if I don't do it so each thing is always on my mind no matter what I'm doing it stops me from enjoying my time with Vanessa to the fullest.

Starting The positive about me list (everything good about me and the good things I do):

I read to Vanessa nearly every night
I have nice eyes
I have a lot of love to give
It doesn't take me long to learn to play any instrument
I love to dance
I try to make sure I get Vanessa's favourite foods when I go shopping
I make sure Pat has a decent meal every day
I will go out of my way to help a friend

(That list is hard for me to do)

My Life Laid Out

Before and after

2009-01-19T18:18:00.002+10:30

Okay, so I'm going to be brave today and post up a pic of me in a bikini in January 2008(top) and a pic Pat took of me today in my bikini Jan 2009(bottom)..

I think I was as shocked as anyone when I saw the difference lol

My Life Laid Out

A big start to a new year

2009-01-11T00:59:00.004+10:30

So the end of last year was quite busy for me. Lots of parties with lots of new friends, frustrating times and absolutely wonderful times. Now we're into the new year and I have started on a 'Whole self wellness' kick. I plan to sort myself out in every way possible. From every small thought to my tiny toe.

I have finally accepted my depression for what it is and have sought out help with the support of friends and family (family being Pat). I am now on anti-depressants (reboxatine) and am seeing a psychologist regularly as well as regular check-ups with my GP. After my initial GP visit late last year I am feeling much better about myself. I now know that I CAN get better and live life happier within myself which not only will benefit my relationship with myself, but also those of the people around me, especially my daughter.

I am also trying to eat better. Less snacking on junk and more healthy foods. I now have breakfast every morning with Vanessa and try to take my dog for a walk daily. I hope to get back into my hour long walks each morning as I really did enjoy them but got a bit slack. I haven't been too bad snack-wise but I have my moments where I will eat a block of chocolate late at night.

I was thinking of maybe putting up a before photo... kinda scared to do it even though I am a self confessed cam whore but most of the shots are of my face. When I get a chance I will ask Pat to take one of me at my worst so I can post it up. I think it would be good for me to do so. Help me in my progress of whole self wellness.

My Life Laid Out

A few helpful sites for the education, help and awareness of depression:
Beyond Blue: The National Depression Initiative
Black Dog Insitute: The Black Dog Institute is a not-for-profit, educational, research, clinical and community-oriented facility offering specialist expertise in depression and Bipolar Disorder.

New healthy beginning

2008-11-25T11:41:00.003+10:30

I have now decided to get off my fat arse and do something about my weight. I'm what you might call overweight but not obese. As I am 5'1" its slightly easier to see when I've got a few extra pounds sitting on me. One thing I want to focus on is my lower body. I'm quite happy with the upper half and suprisingly I don't mind my "schmacko" arms.

It all started when a friend started the 100 Pushups Challenge. I thought I may as well give it a go, and Pat is going to do it with me (although he gets to start on week 3). I'll also be doing alot of walking. Vanessa's kindy is just around the corner and I walk her there and back every day so I thought why not continue? And that's exactly what I did this morning. I went for a nice brisk 1 hour walk along a creek that's near here. It felt good and I'm even thinking of going again this afternoon.

I also get my dog over from Melbourne this weekend and she, being a Labrador cross Akita, needs alot of walking so she will motivate me to keep it up as well. It's only been a day and I already feel really good within myself. And i already eat fairly decent so only need to make one or two changes like drink more water and less soft drink. I'm already a housework freak which also burns the calories, and I know a bit about exercise from when I had a personal trainer for a year. Every little bit counts.

Tips:
* Park as far from the shop door as possible for that extra bit of walking.
* Walk to the shops when possible.
* Use public transport more often.
* Use the stairs instead of the escalator/elevator.
* Having a cup of green tea in the morning boosts your metabolism.
* Drink at least 1-2 litres of water a day.
* Do sit-ups, push-ups, squats etc in front of the tv instead of sitting on the couch
* Walk the dog.
* Take the kids to the park on weekends.
* Play a casual sport on weekends (cricket/footy with friends)
* In summer spend time at the beach swimming or walking along the shore.

Now to see if I can follow my own advice :) I will be posting up a before shot and my measurements soon.

My Heart, Vanessa

2008-11-19T21:38:00.012+10:30

June 23 2004, 7.30am, with one final push she is in this world. 3.3kg and healthy my daughter Vanessa Ann is born. As the nurses place her on my chest, they cut the cord and she is her own tiny person waiting to learn all there is to learn about this life. I breathe in her smell and position her mouth onto my swelling breasts as she takes her first feed. A tear rolls down my cheek as I fathom that after 9 months I have created this beautiful child who will from then on in depend on me.

I will forever remember that moment. Born on the due date and only a 4 hour labour. I only had the gas and did not make a sound, which funnily caused the midwives to think I still had a few more hours to go when her head was in fact peeking through. They broke my waters as her head came out which is apparently lucky in some cultures (would like to know which). I find myself looking back on this moment when I feel myself at a wits end as to what to do to make mothering her a more calmer place.

Don't get me wrong I love her to bits and she is in a way my saviour, but there is times (and I'm sure alot of parent's out there that understand) when I ask myself why. Time's when I want to hand her over to someone else to deal with. But then I remember the moment she came into my life and that makes it all worth while.

To watch her grow and become her own person, to expand on her bright personality and to see her slowly grow into the person she will be as an adult, it's... in a word... amazing. To be there through her happy and sad times and to comfort her when she is sick or scared. To be the one she turns to when she's having troubles and doesn't know what to do, even if all I can offer her is a hug.

The last four years has seen alot of ups and downs on my part and she has been through alot herself. Myself moving from house to house either on my own or with my parents, her father moving house alot with different people. And now a move interstate which she has settled into quite well. I am blessed with how good she adapts. And even though I do complain about her misbehavior and disobedience she really is a little angel.

She loves anything to do with nature and will always be picking up a leaf here, a rock there. She loves to draw and paint and just about anything creative she can get her hands on. She loves to have a book read to her and also to sing and dance. She also loves animals and will always give them cuddles (unless I hold her back because it's a stray).

All in all she is my little butterfly and I wouldnt have her any other way :D

My Life Laid Out

Life is a rollercoaster

2008-11-19T19:26:00.002+10:30

Life's a bitch and then you die.

Why is it that when we seem to be heading in the right direction and getting ahead and things seem to be looking up.... life rears its ugly head and bites us in the arse yet again!!!

Makes you wonder what you have done in a past life to deserve alot of the stuff that happens everyday. Its not what you have done... Life is Crap!!

What brought this about you may ask. Well just as we thought we were getting ahead with money, a few extras popped their head in so we come out into no treats not even a $2 chocolate bar mode. Lets all give a great big sigh.

That is all

The Hunting Begins

2008-11-18T15:30:00.003+10:30

Vanessa is in Kindy, house is organised, everything is settled so time to get a job. I am pretty flexible in what sort of job I will go for. But this doesn't mean that this will be easy. I have Retail and Hospitality experience so first thing that pops into ones head is "There are heaps of those jobs out there, no problem". Here's the problem, I can't be in a job with extended periods of time around food due to my skin allergies, and I only have limited times I can work due to Vanessa. This cuts the available jobs for me down to a small handful.

I have had one interview since I started looking two weeks ago, and it seemed promising. This was last Thursday and the manager said she'd give me a call by Friday. Whether this meant the next day or Friday week I don't know as I have yet to hear from her. I also had a phone call about distributing free Lindt chocolates at shopping centres and as much as I would have LOVED the job the hours were incompatible with my availabilities.

So I am now back on job search sites in the hope that I can find something, anything. I have thought about getting a cleaning job but the hours most cleaners do are after hours. I have applied for various admin/receptionist jobs and been knocked back or didn't hear from them at all. I have also applied for sales assistant jobs and not heard anything.

So I will be printing out some resumes this week (about 30 or so) so I can do the shopping centre drop offs for Christmas casual jobs. Here's hoping I hear from at least one of those.

Here are a few sites I have been looking at:
www.seek.com.au
www.jobsearch.gov.au
www.careerone.com.au

Quick Note #1 FB Apps.

2008-11-03T01:10:00.004+10:30

I am an addict to alot of these. Mainly the Playfish ones like Bowling Buddies, Word Challange and Pet society. But majority of them are addictive all the same.

I find I tell myself "Just one more game then I'll go to bed". That one game turns into another hour before I realise it. It is fun converting others though. Well back to the world of facebook applications for me.......

My Monkey Man

2008-10-28T20:21:00.011+10:30

This blog is dedicated to my boyfriend Pat. He is what most people would describe a geek/dork/nerd. Whatever you would like to "label" him as, I am glad to call him mine. We met as most do nowadays on the internet. On a forum dedicated to an author we both love. I found my way there via her books and ended up in the chat room. There I met many now great friends and him. After some very long and very intimate MSN conversations the attraction grew and i found myself flying here to Adelaide just over one month after meeting him.

It wasn't scary or nervous it felt, well, right. We decided not to let things get complicated and would still see other people as at the time a long distance relationship didn't seem to be the best thing especially as I had a daughter. I myself found that I stopped looking for guys to hook up with, Pat on the other hand had a whole harem after him, and i guess you could say I got a tad jealous but tried not to show it. He of course new, because I really am not that good at hiding emotions. I wear it on the sleeve I suppose.

Needless to say our nightly few hour long conversations made feelings grow stronger and after a fairly bad experience on his part he decided that the only person he wanted in his life at that time was me. I flew over on New Years and that is when we decided that we would be exclusively dating. That date becoming our anniversary.

We tried to see each other as much as possible, myself flying over here as I had more freedom with weekends off from work and more flexible free money as I was living at home. As our birthday's are only 5 days apart we spent a wonderful 2 weeks together even if the last few days were in Melbourne with my mothers lovely "subtle" hints that she didn't like him. We spent a great day at the Melbourne zoo with Vanessa who tuckered out towards the end.

In October of 2007 we decided to do a month long trial of living together. So I packed up my and Vanessa's things, her bed on the roof-racks, and we headed across country to good ol' SA. I must say it was the best 4 weeks of my life up till then. It felt right and everything fell into place. We didn't loose the "honeymoon" feeling and Vanessa absolutely adored him. Now she had met him before so I knew it wouldnt be a problem as she always asks to speak to him on the phone.

That New Years we celebrated one year of being together. I gave him a ring and he gave me some gorgeous earrings with matching necklace. We went out for dinner then met up with a few friends to celebrate the New Year together. It was such a great night and one I will always remember.

A few weeks later we were off on our first holiday together. We went to Queensland and stayed at a friends place. We did the touristy thing, I got mega burnt at Wet and Wild and WB movie world. It was so great to be away from work and family and just be ourselves. And for all those Python fans out there we found Monty Python Holy Ale. I have never seen Pat more relaxed than that holiday. And I hope to see him that relaxed in the near future once he gets a job in the field he studied for the last 4 years and $30,000 later for a piece of paper. And which I am so proud of him achieving.

This year has seen our worst ups and downs but we have made it through. And now 22 months into our relationship we are now living together. We will be signing a lease to a 3 bedroom house on Thursday afternoon and while I am in Melbourne for the long weekend (Melbourne Cup) as I have to take Vanessa over to see her dad, he and a few of our friends will be moving all our stuff from his tiny flat to our house. And the following weekend my parents will be bringing the rest of my and Vanessa's stuff across from Melbourne.

So begins our life together and I hope it continues on in the way it has so far. And if it ceases I will always treasure the time I've had with him as it has taught me a lot about myself and that there truly are pure hearted souls in this world.

My Life Laid Out

Realisations

2008-10-28T13:39:00.005+10:30

I have recently discovered I have a money spending problem. I guess you could call me a shopaholic. I go out with a mind to buy bread and milk and come back with $50 worth of groceries that we didn't REALLY need. I also recently gave us a very large debt which although is being paid off in fortnightly installments, it was an unnecessary debt which i keep beating myself up over. So since then, and the realisation that I have a problem I have been reluctant to get anything from the shops. I have only been once and even though I only bought what I needed, I felt horrible because I kept looking and gettin the urge to grab things we didn't need.

I never used to have this problem. I used to always have savings sitting there. at least $500 and at one time I had $3000 sitting there and I went out and bought myself a whole new wardrobe because I had lost weight. But I think the problem stems from when I was with Vanessa's father. His wage was his to spend and he told me how to spend my wage which didn't give me much choice at all and savings were never heard of unless it wa for something for him.

I was only allowed to spend $100 a fortnight on groceries, and if i bought a $10 t-shirt I would be yelled at for being selfish, and yet he would go out and spend $800 on a petrol powered remote control car he never ended up using after spending another $400 on parts and add-ons. Now out of that $100 I had to get formula and nappies and wipes as we had a new born and I lost my breast milk when she was three months old due to stress. Which didnt leave a lot of money left for food for us. We lived on 2minute noodles and frozen pizza because he would bring that home after I got bread and milk with the remainder of the money.

What didn't help the situation is that we were stuck in a town with only one local store which was more like a milk bar than a store and it closed at 5pm every day and was closed Sunday. I had a car so I could drive the 40 minutes to the nearest supermarket but I unfortunately didnt have the money to get fuel. I was also 40 minutes away from the nearest doctor and hospital which was frightening if anything happened. We didn't have any fresh water, we had to go next door to have showers, and our toilet was blocked up because the septic tank needed to be emptied because it was full. We also lived in a rat infested run down house. Every night we would hear the rats nawing at the bed head.

Why didn't I leave? Well I didn't want to fail. I had a daughter and didn't want the whole single mother stigma over my head. I also had severe post natal depression and with him constantly telling me I was worthless and would never find someone else if I ever left him and he had had constant offers from all types of girls down at the pub, well lets just say my outlook on my life wasn't all that great.

There were many times I wanted to just leave Vanessa on the lounge room floor hop in the car and drive, if it was off a cliff well so be it I just wanted to leave. I had no self esteem, no sense of self. I was a shell doing what I needed to to keep Vanessa alive.. I would change her nappy, feed her and bath her, the rest of the time she lay on the lounge room floor till she fell asleep and I would put her into bed and then go to bed myself. Vanessa's father had no interest in her at all. Didn't feed her, bath her, cuddle her, change a nappy, didn't even acknowledge her.

When Vanessa was 8 months my mum and aunt came up and packed me up and took me back to mum's place. Only then did i get up the courage to tell Vanessa's father that it was over. I slept for two days straight and mum took over looking after Vanessa for me because I was too riddled with guilt over how i brought her up. It didn't help that I got a phone call every day from Vanessa's father wanting to see her. After 8 months of not wanting anythign to do with her suddenly because he no longer had control over me he wanted to see Vanessa so he still had a hold over me. Which didn't help my self esteem and made my spending go awol.

After I left him I found I would spend more money than usual. I would buy unnecessary things and I never had any savings anymore and I didn't understand why. I would go out drinking every weekend and spend hundreds on alcohol. I would also buy a new outfit for every weekend. That sort of spending has settled down a lot since but I still find myself going out and spending money I can't afford.

I hope now that I have realised my problem that I can start controlling it. It has made me stoop into my depression a bit but as I have been controlling that over the last 4 years it isn't as bad as it could be. I only hope that I can work through this and with Pat supporting me through it it won't be as hard as if it would be if I was going through it alone.

My Life Laid Out

The Final Leg

2008-09-29T19:18:00.007+09:30

As of today, the 29th September, it is five days till I move to Adelaide. I am so excited I have no idea what to write but I am needing to write so here I am trying to put two words together that make sense.

If you don't know already I am moving to SA with my daughter to be with my boyfriend Pat. We've been together for 21 months now. It's been long distance the whole time and have seen each other every 2-3 months. Last October Vanessa and I stayed with Pat for a month to see what it would be like. It was heaven.

Now this may turn really corny but our relationship has always felt right. Sure i've had my moments of doubt, but I can be a very jealous person. But when i look into it I know in my heart it's right and there is nothing to worry about.

So the way I'm feeling at the moment is excited and nervous. more excited than anything but nervous of the unknown. Yeah we have lived together for a month before but that was a month. This is for an unknown amount of time. I shouldnt worry but I have been in a few bad relationships before, which i have explained to Pat so he fully understands, and unfortunately they always put doubts in my head.

I have never felt the way I feel about Pat before. He treats me as an equal, he makes me laugh, we have alot in common but about the same amount not in common. There is alot about him that gets on my nerves sometimes but I don't let get to me because it's what makes Pat Pat. I'm sure there is ALOT about me that irritates him. I know there is alot about me that irritates me. We are both passionate about each other, if that makes sense. We appreciate what we have and will try anything and everything to keep us together.

We have hit a few hard bumps in the last month or so (namely my mother) but have gotten past all of our troubles by talking it out and coming to a middle ground and I hope we stay that way. I know there'll be times I will lash out over something small or take something the wrong way but if he gives me space and time to think it over it will blow over as if nothing happened.

If I had the choice I would be an at home mum. Unfortunately we aren't in the financial position for me to do that so I have to work. But I want to do all the housework as long as he does the dishes. I HATE dishes with a vengeance and hope the new house we move to has a dishwasher. His flat at the moment has one and I am so happy for that. Sure there will be days I will be absolutely stuffed and will need him to do other house chores but I find I am a typical old fashioned 'housewife' type of gal. Plus I like things done a certain way. A small case of OCD I think.

One of the things I am looking forward to about moving is meeting all new people. I have made a few online friends over the last few weeks and I can't wait to meet them face to face. I love to socialise but I always find I lack the friends to do it that often. I think it's because people find it hard to know what i'm about sometimes. Plus I am the moodiest bitch out there (which I am going to be seeing a doctor about once I've moved). I also have alot of ideals that people can find strange. I also tend to be one of those 'yes' people. I'll go out of my way to help anyone and then get thrown aside the one time I ever say no, so I do have a few walls up.

Vanessa adores Pat and is almost as excited as me. She always asks to talk to him on the phone. And when I asked her about moving in and living with Pat her whole face lit up. I wouldn't be doing this if Vanessa wasn't happy or was uncomfortable with him. She does and always will come first. I'm just so very glad they get along. Well Pat is like a little kid himself so there isno doubt about that.

I really do hope this works as I can't see myself with anyone but him. It's as if I have always known he was out there because the first time I ever talked to him I knew we'd be at least good friends for life. The first time I kissed him that was it for me. I wanted to be with him and only him and everything that happened between that kiss and us getting together hurt alot. But I needed to stick with what my whole being was screaming. And here we are, moving in together, becoming a family.

So here's to the next stage of our relationship.

My Life (and heart) Laid Out

It Starts

2008-09-20T15:25:00.000+09:30

Yes so here I am. Joining the world of Blog. Let's see how long this lasts shall we.
Now don't get me wrong I'm not "dissing" all those bloggers out there, some who make a living from it, but I have tried this before and lost interest. Although then not much was really happening in my life and also too many people I didn't want reading it, well they found it and read it and it cused problems. It wasn't that I talked about them, they just used my vents and life problems as ammunition to try and hurt me or the ones I love. Well to them i say POO and so i try again in this blogiverse.

Now most of the time, mainly in the next few weeks, I will bitch and rant about my mother. You see she seems to think that she is the third person in my relationship and has all the right answers. A kind of relationship guru. In truth she is FAR from it. She is in an unhappy marriage, hasn't had as much life experience in her life as I have in my little finger, and she is just controlling and manipulative. One of those 'guilt' mothers, if you get my drift. Now I will more than likely expand on this description as we go along and you will get a more clearer picture of my situation as it is.

At this moment in time I am sitting in the computer room of my parents house. I have been in and out of their home a few times but will hopefully be making the final move out ever in two weeks time. I am moving in with my boyfriend, Pat.

We met in what you would call the 'usual' way of meeting in these technilogical times. Online. In a forum to be precise. Just over a month later we met, then sometime between the beginning of December and end of January we decided to become an item. So we have settled on New Years as our anniversary as its central of those dates. So as of New Years this year we will have been together for two years. Exciting!!

In other news I have a four year old daughter, Vanessa. She is my life, my heart and my saviour. I honestly would not be here if it wasn't for her. Long story, another blog. We are currently in the final stages of toilet training. She knows when she needs to go, she does wee's no problem. She just flat out refuse to do poo's on the toilet which is driving me mental! We still have a year before she HAS to be fully toilet trained (can't start school unless she is). But its still frustrating to have to lug around pullups, wipes and nappy bags for those pooey moments.

Well I think I may have bored you all enough so i'm going to sign off for now...

My Life Laid Out.