Easter weekend and other thoughts

After dropping Vanessa off with my mum at Horsham on Thursday night (got home at 2am) Pat and I drove to Port Pirie to see his family for Easter. We always have a good time when we visit there. As much of a boring town it is being able to sit and relax and do nothing for a few days is a luxury we seldom can afford.

Pat has a very close knit family, and being in a close knit town they always have interesting gossip to tell. They are always very laid back and down to earth and full of advice. A few of them are into real estate (buying, renovating, selling, renting etc) and as Pat and I want to be buying our own place hopefully in the next 5 years it's great to get advice from them now. Apparently now is the best time to buy. Unfortunately we can't do that but we're hoping they can help us out advice wise when we are financially ready to go for it.

I love Pat's mum. She is what I would like my own mother to be. As much as she worries for her kids she doesn't force or demand anything from them. She lets them follow what it is they want to do. She gives advice and encouragement where needed and if they don't follow the advice so be it. No guilt trips, no sighing. None of the things that my mother is.

I know it isn't wholly my mums fault that she is who she is. But it is hard for me to see Pat's mum and everything she is and then look at my mum and not be angry at her for not being there emotionally for me. Just wanting me to succeed and accomplish things that SHE wanted of me not what I wanted of me. I understand that she only wanted better for me than she had herself (She always worked in warehouses or supermarkets) but what I need from her isn't what she is capable of giving me unfortunately.

Anyway, the weekend was a great one and we want to have more weekends like it. We are looking into buying some camping gear so when Pat has a weekend off all three of us can go and camp somewhere for one or two nights to get away from everything. I go my parents a camping guide for Victoria for Christmas one year and I want to get one for SA.

NB: I have been three weeks without my antidepressants and have had no major drops, minor ones but nothing considerable. Been handling negative situations well.

I have added to my Positives of Jess List:

- I read to Vanessa nearly every night
- I have nice eyes
- I have a lot of love to give
- It doesn't take me long to learn to play any instrument
- I love to dance
- Try to make sure I get Vanessa's favourite foods when I go shopping
- Make sure Pat has a decent meal every day
- Will go out of my way to help a friend
- Contagious smile
- Tries to see the positive in everyone
- A people person
- Caring
- Love music
- Esoteric passions; tarot, stones/crystals, the afterlife etc
- Movie buff
- Good cook
- Good at my job
- A kid at heart

My Life Laid Out

A Happier Me

I can't remember the last time I was this happy. I can't seem to stop smiling, I am full of positive energy and I can see the lighter side of everything. I haven't been taking my anti depressants for about a week now and I am at that time when I would be the most snappy and moody person you ever encountered, but not this time.

Not everything is going right. We only have one car as Pat's decided not to work at 12.30am one night so we have to pay for that to be fixed. Centrelink made a HUGE mistake 6 months ago and now we owe them $1600 which we have to appeal; but it's not bringing me down like it normally would.

I don't know exactly what it is but it may have something to do with me working. I have always enjoyed working and I love the job I am in now. I am contributing to the relationship financially as well as emotionally and I don't feel so much like a failure anymore. I am WANTING to get up each morning and when I finish work I'm not dying to sit down and mope for a while I keep going and do things because I can and not because I need or have to.

I have also realised that my relationship with Pat is getting stronger and closer as time goes on and it still has that spark we had over 2 years ago. It's still fun and we still enjoy each others company. I look forward to spending time with him each day be it a few minutes because of our work commitments or a whole day.

Vanessa has also improved and grown. She is now toilet trained and hasn't had an accident for two weeks. She is writing alot more now and loves to play word games. She has also gotten really tall!!

Life is just going really well for me and I hope it continues to do so, and if it doesn't that I can hold onto how I'm feeling at the moment and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My Life Laid Out