Easter weekend and other thoughts

After dropping Vanessa off with my mum at Horsham on Thursday night (got home at 2am) Pat and I drove to Port Pirie to see his family for Easter. We always have a good time when we visit there. As much of a boring town it is being able to sit and relax and do nothing for a few days is a luxury we seldom can afford.

Pat has a very close knit family, and being in a close knit town they always have interesting gossip to tell. They are always very laid back and down to earth and full of advice. A few of them are into real estate (buying, renovating, selling, renting etc) and as Pat and I want to be buying our own place hopefully in the next 5 years it's great to get advice from them now. Apparently now is the best time to buy. Unfortunately we can't do that but we're hoping they can help us out advice wise when we are financially ready to go for it.

I love Pat's mum. She is what I would like my own mother to be. As much as she worries for her kids she doesn't force or demand anything from them. She lets them follow what it is they want to do. She gives advice and encouragement where needed and if they don't follow the advice so be it. No guilt trips, no sighing. None of the things that my mother is.

I know it isn't wholly my mums fault that she is who she is. But it is hard for me to see Pat's mum and everything she is and then look at my mum and not be angry at her for not being there emotionally for me. Just wanting me to succeed and accomplish things that SHE wanted of me not what I wanted of me. I understand that she only wanted better for me than she had herself (She always worked in warehouses or supermarkets) but what I need from her isn't what she is capable of giving me unfortunately.

Anyway, the weekend was a great one and we want to have more weekends like it. We are looking into buying some camping gear so when Pat has a weekend off all three of us can go and camp somewhere for one or two nights to get away from everything. I go my parents a camping guide for Victoria for Christmas one year and I want to get one for SA.

NB: I have been three weeks without my antidepressants and have had no major drops, minor ones but nothing considerable. Been handling negative situations well.

I have added to my Positives of Jess List:

- I read to Vanessa nearly every night
- I have nice eyes
- I have a lot of love to give
- It doesn't take me long to learn to play any instrument
- I love to dance
- Try to make sure I get Vanessa's favourite foods when I go shopping
- Make sure Pat has a decent meal every day
- Will go out of my way to help a friend
- Contagious smile
- Tries to see the positive in everyone
- A people person
- Caring
- Love music
- Esoteric passions; tarot, stones/crystals, the afterlife etc
- Movie buff
- Good cook
- Good at my job
- A kid at heart

My Life Laid Out

Thoughts after a session

**These are the thoughts that go through my head after a session with my psychologist. They may be a bit jumbled and everywhere**


I am not a bad mother. In the four and a half years of my daughters life I have always thought that of myself. It is only recently that I have come to realize that I am a good mum. You wouldn't know it but saying that is an extremely hard thing for me to do. I am not good with compliments. I don't think very highly of myself and when someone does compliment me I wonder what it is they really want. They are saying something good about me because they want something from me. I have to stop thinking this way and start telling myself everything good about me. So in the next three weeks I will be writing a list of all the good points of me. "Easy" you say. Not very after years of constant bullying, being put down by my family and bad relationships.

I will attempt to stop fighting my mother when I don't get the emotional support I need from her. I won't get it as she is not built that way. She will be there supporting me when I am achieving something or supporting myself financially but when things tack a downward turn she doesn't know how to be there to comfort me. I need to find a way to tell her what I'm doing with my life, good or bad, without her telling me to do it differently or something completely different or for her to want to "fix" it. To not let what she says about me, or the people I care about, get to me. At the moment I can't talk to her about anything to do with jobs, money or Vanessa's progress without her finding everything negative in the situation, telling me how to go about it all and what I really should be doing.

I hate my mum making me the reason her and my dad fight most of the time. I am a very emotionally run person so I crave emotional support above any other. My dad can give me the emotional support I need. He will listen when I need to vent, he will tell me its ok when things go wrong. My mum can't do that. I'm close with my dad and mum is very jealous of that. Dad worries about me and vents to mum. When I visit mum brings it up so I explain whats been going on with me and dad understands, but because he doesn't say anything mum has a go at him for sitting back and letting her be the bad guy but all the while she continues on at me about doing everything wrong.

I am slowly finding the triggers that set of my bad thought patterns. Every time I find one I take a breathe and focus on what I am doing instead of the instant thought that comes into my head which helps me stay focused on the situation and not drift off into a downward spiral of self bullying. When I am spending time with Vanessa I have a million and one thoughts going on about what else I need to do, what I could be doing instead, but I try and keep my focus on what I'm doing with Vanessa and soon those thoughts stop and I enjoy the time with Vanessa more. I'm not saying I don't enjoy it otherwise, I do, I just put so much pressure on myself to achieve so much each day that I know I won't get through it all so I call myself a failure if I don't do it so each thing is always on my mind no matter what I'm doing it stops me from enjoying my time with Vanessa to the fullest.

Starting The positive about me list (everything good about me and the good things I do):

I read to Vanessa nearly every night
I have nice eyes
I have a lot of love to give
It doesn't take me long to learn to play any instrument
I love to dance
I try to make sure I get Vanessa's favourite foods when I go shopping
I make sure Pat has a decent meal every day
I will go out of my way to help a friend

(That list is hard for me to do)

My Life Laid Out