A Happier Me

I can't remember the last time I was this happy. I can't seem to stop smiling, I am full of positive energy and I can see the lighter side of everything. I haven't been taking my anti depressants for about a week now and I am at that time when I would be the most snappy and moody person you ever encountered, but not this time.

Not everything is going right. We only have one car as Pat's decided not to work at 12.30am one night so we have to pay for that to be fixed. Centrelink made a HUGE mistake 6 months ago and now we owe them $1600 which we have to appeal; but it's not bringing me down like it normally would.

I don't know exactly what it is but it may have something to do with me working. I have always enjoyed working and I love the job I am in now. I am contributing to the relationship financially as well as emotionally and I don't feel so much like a failure anymore. I am WANTING to get up each morning and when I finish work I'm not dying to sit down and mope for a while I keep going and do things because I can and not because I need or have to.

I have also realised that my relationship with Pat is getting stronger and closer as time goes on and it still has that spark we had over 2 years ago. It's still fun and we still enjoy each others company. I look forward to spending time with him each day be it a few minutes because of our work commitments or a whole day.

Vanessa has also improved and grown. She is now toilet trained and hasn't had an accident for two weeks. She is writing alot more now and loves to play word games. She has also gotten really tall!!

Life is just going really well for me and I hope it continues to do so, and if it doesn't that I can hold onto how I'm feeling at the moment and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My Life Laid Out

Spacing things out

During my sessions with my therapist we talk alot about spacing things out. I have a habit of doing all or nothing. I will get a huge urge to up and clean everything I can get my hands on; bathroom, kitchen, lounge, laundry. If I don't achieve all that I want to during these spurts of energy I get frustrated and upset and feel a failure. That in turn makes me tired and just want to lie in bed and do nothing till the next surge happens.

I am working on this by spacing out each household job. I write To Do lists and try and stick with them. If I do more than whats on the list then I have a sense of achievement which is a great thing for me to feel. Now that I am working I have to space things even more as work takes alot out of me. Working is helping me with my habit as well as helping to solve out financial struggles so it's kicking two of my problems out the door.

I wrote out this weeks To Do list:

Monday: General Tidy

Tuesday: 1 Load of whites
Vacuum
Cook Dinner

Wednesday: 1 Load of darks
Mop
Cook Dinner

Thursday: Complete washing
General Tidy
Cook Dinner

Friday: Cook Dinner

Saturday: Clean bathroom/toilet
Cook Dinner

Sunday: General Tidy
Cook Dinner

As you can see I have allowed myself Friday to do my own thing. I decided to give myself one day a week to relax and not do any housework. At the moment all I ask Pat to do is dishes. As my hours at work increase I will have to ask him to do more. I feel as though I shouldn't as he works hard and as his shifts are all over the place he gets exhausted. He says for me to ask for help and he doesn't mind but I feel as if it is my job to do the housework. I know this is, in a way, wrong but it's a way in which I show him I love him. That I appreciate everything he does to keep us afloat. I guess you could call it a gesture of love.

I love doing things for others, and this is my way of doing something for my family.

My Life Laid Out

I GOT A JOB!!!

After a great day down at The Norwood to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, I think I gained some luck of the Irish as soon I will be bringing in my own pot of gold. Got a call this afternoon from the manager at Aroma Cafe, who I had an interview with last week asking me to come in for an induction and to start work next week. Of course I said yes!!

After 6 months of looking this is VERY exciting and it's the line of work I wanted!! I love working in cafes as you get a whole variety of people coming in as well as regulars and they are always busy. I love a fast paced environment and as I will be doing customer service I get to interact with everyone that comes in and will always be busy.

The cafe is situated on a UniSA campus here in Adelaide so there will be a lot of people my age coming in. I've been thinking lately about how to meet more people my age but it's hard when I have a 4 year old. But such is life and I always meet new friends at work so here's hoping!

My Life Laid Out

Thoughts after a session

**These are the thoughts that go through my head after a session with my psychologist. They may be a bit jumbled and everywhere**


I am not a bad mother. In the four and a half years of my daughters life I have always thought that of myself. It is only recently that I have come to realize that I am a good mum. You wouldn't know it but saying that is an extremely hard thing for me to do. I am not good with compliments. I don't think very highly of myself and when someone does compliment me I wonder what it is they really want. They are saying something good about me because they want something from me. I have to stop thinking this way and start telling myself everything good about me. So in the next three weeks I will be writing a list of all the good points of me. "Easy" you say. Not very after years of constant bullying, being put down by my family and bad relationships.

I will attempt to stop fighting my mother when I don't get the emotional support I need from her. I won't get it as she is not built that way. She will be there supporting me when I am achieving something or supporting myself financially but when things tack a downward turn she doesn't know how to be there to comfort me. I need to find a way to tell her what I'm doing with my life, good or bad, without her telling me to do it differently or something completely different or for her to want to "fix" it. To not let what she says about me, or the people I care about, get to me. At the moment I can't talk to her about anything to do with jobs, money or Vanessa's progress without her finding everything negative in the situation, telling me how to go about it all and what I really should be doing.

I hate my mum making me the reason her and my dad fight most of the time. I am a very emotionally run person so I crave emotional support above any other. My dad can give me the emotional support I need. He will listen when I need to vent, he will tell me its ok when things go wrong. My mum can't do that. I'm close with my dad and mum is very jealous of that. Dad worries about me and vents to mum. When I visit mum brings it up so I explain whats been going on with me and dad understands, but because he doesn't say anything mum has a go at him for sitting back and letting her be the bad guy but all the while she continues on at me about doing everything wrong.

I am slowly finding the triggers that set of my bad thought patterns. Every time I find one I take a breathe and focus on what I am doing instead of the instant thought that comes into my head which helps me stay focused on the situation and not drift off into a downward spiral of self bullying. When I am spending time with Vanessa I have a million and one thoughts going on about what else I need to do, what I could be doing instead, but I try and keep my focus on what I'm doing with Vanessa and soon those thoughts stop and I enjoy the time with Vanessa more. I'm not saying I don't enjoy it otherwise, I do, I just put so much pressure on myself to achieve so much each day that I know I won't get through it all so I call myself a failure if I don't do it so each thing is always on my mind no matter what I'm doing it stops me from enjoying my time with Vanessa to the fullest.

Starting The positive about me list (everything good about me and the good things I do):

I read to Vanessa nearly every night
I have nice eyes
I have a lot of love to give
It doesn't take me long to learn to play any instrument
I love to dance
I try to make sure I get Vanessa's favourite foods when I go shopping
I make sure Pat has a decent meal every day
I will go out of my way to help a friend

(That list is hard for me to do)

My Life Laid Out

Before and after

Okay, so I'm going to be brave today and post up a pic of me in a bikini in January 2008(top) and a pic Pat took of me today in my bikini Jan 2009(bottom)..


I think I was as shocked as anyone when I saw the difference lol

My Life Laid Out

A big start to a new year

So the end of last year was quite busy for me. Lots of parties with lots of new friends, frustrating times and absolutely wonderful times. Now we're into the new year and I have started on a 'Whole self wellness' kick. I plan to sort myself out in every way possible. From every small thought to my tiny toe.

I have finally accepted my depression for what it is and have sought out help with the support of friends and family (family being Pat). I am now on anti-depressants (reboxatine) and am seeing a psychologist regularly as well as regular check-ups with my GP. After my initial GP visit late last year I am feeling much better about myself. I now know that I CAN get better and live life happier within myself which not only will benefit my relationship with myself, but also those of the people around me, especially my daughter.

I am also trying to eat better. Less snacking on junk and more healthy foods. I now have breakfast every morning with Vanessa and try to take my dog for a walk daily. I hope to get back into my hour long walks each morning as I really did enjoy them but got a bit slack. I haven't been too bad snack-wise but I have my moments where I will eat a block of chocolate late at night.

I was thinking of maybe putting up a before photo... kinda scared to do it even though I am a self confessed cam whore but most of the shots are of my face. When I get a chance I will ask Pat to take one of me at my worst so I can post it up. I think it would be good for me to do so. Help me in my progress of whole self wellness.

My Life Laid Out


A few helpful sites for the education, help and awareness of depression:
Beyond Blue: The National Depression Initiative
Black Dog Insitute: The Black Dog Institute is a not-for-profit, educational, research, clinical and community-oriented facility offering specialist expertise in depression and Bipolar Disorder.

New healthy beginning

I have now decided to get off my fat arse and do something about my weight. I'm what you might call overweight but not obese. As I am 5'1" its slightly easier to see when I've got a few extra pounds sitting on me. One thing I want to focus on is my lower body. I'm quite happy with the upper half and suprisingly I don't mind my "schmacko" arms.

It all started when a friend started the 100 Pushups Challenge. I thought I may as well give it a go, and Pat is going to do it with me (although he gets to start on week 3). I'll also be doing alot of walking. Vanessa's kindy is just around the corner and I walk her there and back every day so I thought why not continue? And that's exactly what I did this morning. I went for a nice brisk 1 hour walk along a creek that's near here. It felt good and I'm even thinking of going again this afternoon.

I also get my dog over from Melbourne this weekend and she, being a Labrador cross Akita, needs alot of walking so she will motivate me to keep it up as well. It's only been a day and I already feel really good within myself. And i already eat fairly decent so only need to make one or two changes like drink more water and less soft drink. I'm already a housework freak which also burns the calories, and I know a bit about exercise from when I had a personal trainer for a year. Every little bit counts.

Tips:
* Park as far from the shop door as possible for that extra bit of walking.
* Walk to the shops when possible.
* Use public transport more often.
* Use the stairs instead of the escalator/elevator.
* Having a cup of green tea in the morning boosts your metabolism.
* Drink at least 1-2 litres of water a day.
* Do sit-ups, push-ups, squats etc in front of the tv instead of sitting on the couch
* Walk the dog.
* Take the kids to the park on weekends.
* Play a casual sport on weekends (cricket/footy with friends)
* In summer spend time at the beach swimming or walking along the shore.

Now to see if I can follow my own advice :) I will be posting up a before shot and my measurements soon.