Realisations

I have recently discovered I have a money spending problem. I guess you could call me a shopaholic. I go out with a mind to buy bread and milk and come back with $50 worth of groceries that we didn't REALLY need. I also recently gave us a very large debt which although is being paid off in fortnightly installments, it was an unnecessary debt which i keep beating myself up over. So since then, and the realisation that I have a problem I have been reluctant to get anything from the shops. I have only been once and even though I only bought what I needed, I felt horrible because I kept looking and gettin the urge to grab things we didn't need.

I never used to have this problem. I used to always have savings sitting there. at least $500 and at one time I had $3000 sitting there and I went out and bought myself a whole new wardrobe because I had lost weight. But I think the problem stems from when I was with Vanessa's father. His wage was his to spend and he told me how to spend my wage which didn't give me much choice at all and savings were never heard of unless it wa for something for him.

I was only allowed to spend $100 a fortnight on groceries, and if i bought a $10 t-shirt I would be yelled at for being selfish, and yet he would go out and spend $800 on a petrol powered remote control car he never ended up using after spending another $400 on parts and add-ons. Now out of that $100 I had to get formula and nappies and wipes as we had a new born and I lost my breast milk when she was three months old due to stress. Which didnt leave a lot of money left for food for us. We lived on 2minute noodles and frozen pizza because he would bring that home after I got bread and milk with the remainder of the money.

What didn't help the situation is that we were stuck in a town with only one local store which was more like a milk bar than a store and it closed at 5pm every day and was closed Sunday. I had a car so I could drive the 40 minutes to the nearest supermarket but I unfortunately didnt have the money to get fuel. I was also 40 minutes away from the nearest doctor and hospital which was frightening if anything happened. We didn't have any fresh water, we had to go next door to have showers, and our toilet was blocked up because the septic tank needed to be emptied because it was full. We also lived in a rat infested run down house. Every night we would hear the rats nawing at the bed head.

Why didn't I leave? Well I didn't want to fail. I had a daughter and didn't want the whole single mother stigma over my head. I also had severe post natal depression and with him constantly telling me I was worthless and would never find someone else if I ever left him and he had had constant offers from all types of girls down at the pub, well lets just say my outlook on my life wasn't all that great.

There were many times I wanted to just leave Vanessa on the lounge room floor hop in the car and drive, if it was off a cliff well so be it I just wanted to leave. I had no self esteem, no sense of self. I was a shell doing what I needed to to keep Vanessa alive.. I would change her nappy, feed her and bath her, the rest of the time she lay on the lounge room floor till she fell asleep and I would put her into bed and then go to bed myself. Vanessa's father had no interest in her at all. Didn't feed her, bath her, cuddle her, change a nappy, didn't even acknowledge her.

When Vanessa was 8 months my mum and aunt came up and packed me up and took me back to mum's place. Only then did i get up the courage to tell Vanessa's father that it was over. I slept for two days straight and mum took over looking after Vanessa for me because I was too riddled with guilt over how i brought her up. It didn't help that I got a phone call every day from Vanessa's father wanting to see her. After 8 months of not wanting anythign to do with her suddenly because he no longer had control over me he wanted to see Vanessa so he still had a hold over me. Which didn't help my self esteem and made my spending go awol.

After I left him I found I would spend more money than usual. I would buy unnecessary things and I never had any savings anymore and I didn't understand why. I would go out drinking every weekend and spend hundreds on alcohol. I would also buy a new outfit for every weekend. That sort of spending has settled down a lot since but I still find myself going out and spending money I can't afford.

I hope now that I have realised my problem that I can start controlling it. It has made me stoop into my depression a bit but as I have been controlling that over the last 4 years it isn't as bad as it could be. I only hope that I can work through this and with Pat supporting me through it it won't be as hard as if it would be if I was going through it alone.

My Life Laid Out