Spacing things out

During my sessions with my therapist we talk alot about spacing things out. I have a habit of doing all or nothing. I will get a huge urge to up and clean everything I can get my hands on; bathroom, kitchen, lounge, laundry. If I don't achieve all that I want to during these spurts of energy I get frustrated and upset and feel a failure. That in turn makes me tired and just want to lie in bed and do nothing till the next surge happens.

I am working on this by spacing out each household job. I write To Do lists and try and stick with them. If I do more than whats on the list then I have a sense of achievement which is a great thing for me to feel. Now that I am working I have to space things even more as work takes alot out of me. Working is helping me with my habit as well as helping to solve out financial struggles so it's kicking two of my problems out the door.

I wrote out this weeks To Do list:

Monday: General Tidy

Tuesday: 1 Load of whites
Vacuum
Cook Dinner

Wednesday: 1 Load of darks
Mop
Cook Dinner

Thursday: Complete washing
General Tidy
Cook Dinner

Friday: Cook Dinner

Saturday: Clean bathroom/toilet
Cook Dinner

Sunday: General Tidy
Cook Dinner

As you can see I have allowed myself Friday to do my own thing. I decided to give myself one day a week to relax and not do any housework. At the moment all I ask Pat to do is dishes. As my hours at work increase I will have to ask him to do more. I feel as though I shouldn't as he works hard and as his shifts are all over the place he gets exhausted. He says for me to ask for help and he doesn't mind but I feel as if it is my job to do the housework. I know this is, in a way, wrong but it's a way in which I show him I love him. That I appreciate everything he does to keep us afloat. I guess you could call it a gesture of love.

I love doing things for others, and this is my way of doing something for my family.

My Life Laid Out

I GOT A JOB!!!

After a great day down at The Norwood to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, I think I gained some luck of the Irish as soon I will be bringing in my own pot of gold. Got a call this afternoon from the manager at Aroma Cafe, who I had an interview with last week asking me to come in for an induction and to start work next week. Of course I said yes!!

After 6 months of looking this is VERY exciting and it's the line of work I wanted!! I love working in cafes as you get a whole variety of people coming in as well as regulars and they are always busy. I love a fast paced environment and as I will be doing customer service I get to interact with everyone that comes in and will always be busy.

The cafe is situated on a UniSA campus here in Adelaide so there will be a lot of people my age coming in. I've been thinking lately about how to meet more people my age but it's hard when I have a 4 year old. But such is life and I always meet new friends at work so here's hoping!

My Life Laid Out

Thoughts after a session

**These are the thoughts that go through my head after a session with my psychologist. They may be a bit jumbled and everywhere**


I am not a bad mother. In the four and a half years of my daughters life I have always thought that of myself. It is only recently that I have come to realize that I am a good mum. You wouldn't know it but saying that is an extremely hard thing for me to do. I am not good with compliments. I don't think very highly of myself and when someone does compliment me I wonder what it is they really want. They are saying something good about me because they want something from me. I have to stop thinking this way and start telling myself everything good about me. So in the next three weeks I will be writing a list of all the good points of me. "Easy" you say. Not very after years of constant bullying, being put down by my family and bad relationships.

I will attempt to stop fighting my mother when I don't get the emotional support I need from her. I won't get it as she is not built that way. She will be there supporting me when I am achieving something or supporting myself financially but when things tack a downward turn she doesn't know how to be there to comfort me. I need to find a way to tell her what I'm doing with my life, good or bad, without her telling me to do it differently or something completely different or for her to want to "fix" it. To not let what she says about me, or the people I care about, get to me. At the moment I can't talk to her about anything to do with jobs, money or Vanessa's progress without her finding everything negative in the situation, telling me how to go about it all and what I really should be doing.

I hate my mum making me the reason her and my dad fight most of the time. I am a very emotionally run person so I crave emotional support above any other. My dad can give me the emotional support I need. He will listen when I need to vent, he will tell me its ok when things go wrong. My mum can't do that. I'm close with my dad and mum is very jealous of that. Dad worries about me and vents to mum. When I visit mum brings it up so I explain whats been going on with me and dad understands, but because he doesn't say anything mum has a go at him for sitting back and letting her be the bad guy but all the while she continues on at me about doing everything wrong.

I am slowly finding the triggers that set of my bad thought patterns. Every time I find one I take a breathe and focus on what I am doing instead of the instant thought that comes into my head which helps me stay focused on the situation and not drift off into a downward spiral of self bullying. When I am spending time with Vanessa I have a million and one thoughts going on about what else I need to do, what I could be doing instead, but I try and keep my focus on what I'm doing with Vanessa and soon those thoughts stop and I enjoy the time with Vanessa more. I'm not saying I don't enjoy it otherwise, I do, I just put so much pressure on myself to achieve so much each day that I know I won't get through it all so I call myself a failure if I don't do it so each thing is always on my mind no matter what I'm doing it stops me from enjoying my time with Vanessa to the fullest.

Starting The positive about me list (everything good about me and the good things I do):

I read to Vanessa nearly every night
I have nice eyes
I have a lot of love to give
It doesn't take me long to learn to play any instrument
I love to dance
I try to make sure I get Vanessa's favourite foods when I go shopping
I make sure Pat has a decent meal every day
I will go out of my way to help a friend

(That list is hard for me to do)

My Life Laid Out