My Heart, Vanessa

June 23 2004, 7.30am, with one final push she is in this world. 3.3kg and healthy my daughter Vanessa Ann is born. As the nurses place her on my chest, they cut the cord and she is her own tiny person waiting to learn all there is to learn about this life. I breathe in her smell and position her mouth onto my swelling breasts as she takes her first feed. A tear rolls down my cheek as I fathom that after 9 months I have created this beautiful child who will from then on in depend on me.

I will forever remember that moment. Born on the due date and only a 4 hour labour. I only had the gas and did not make a sound, which funnily caused the midwives to think I still had a few more hours to go when her head was in fact peeking through. They broke my waters as her head came out which is apparently lucky in some cultures (would like to know which). I find myself looking back on this moment when I feel myself at a wits end as to what to do to make mothering her a more calmer place.

Don't get me wrong I love her to bits and she is in a way my saviour, but there is times (and I'm sure alot of parent's out there that understand) when I ask myself why. Time's when I want to hand her over to someone else to deal with. But then I remember the moment she came into my life and that makes it all worth while.

To watch her grow and become her own person, to expand on her bright personality and to see her slowly grow into the person she will be as an adult, it's... in a word... amazing. To be there through her happy and sad times and to comfort her when she is sick or scared. To be the one she turns to when she's having troubles and doesn't know what to do, even if all I can offer her is a hug.

The last four years has seen alot of ups and downs on my part and she has been through alot herself. Myself moving from house to house either on my own or with my parents, her father moving house alot with different people. And now a move interstate which she has settled into quite well. I am blessed with how good she adapts. And even though I do complain about her misbehavior and disobedience she really is a little angel.

She loves anything to do with nature and will always be picking up a leaf here, a rock there. She loves to draw and paint and just about anything creative she can get her hands on. She loves to have a book read to her and also to sing and dance. She also loves animals and will always give them cuddles (unless I hold her back because it's a stray).

All in all she is my little butterfly and I wouldnt have her any other way :D

My Life Laid Out