It will be ok

So after a few months of living pay check to pay check and a lot of the time any change we can find, we are finally seeing the brighter side of the track. We have gone through everything we pay, sorted out what we don't need to pay and setting things in motion to help get us through the tough points. Our tax returns have helped but only to get us non essentials like a new TV etc (out TV's blue screen is BLACK so we need a new one). My hours at work have picked up now the holidays are over which is going to help A LOT!! I now work in one week what I had been working per fortnight if that at all. It has taken a lot of stress off our backs and minds which means happier us. And we now have the opportunity to spend a little on us. Like go see a movie, or go out for tea etc.

We will endeavor to keep our finances in check, even though no matter what we try we always get to a point where we struggle again. But with what we are going to put into place those hard times won't be as frequent or as hard as it used to be.


My Life Laid Out

Oh what a night!!

Yesterday was my 25th birthday. So of course having it land on a Saturday I had a party. It was themed (as I LOVE theme parties) and it was come dressed up as something that begins with the first letter of your name. I dressed up as Jack in the box which of course made room for alot of "box" jokes. Pat was a Pterodactyl which made a few people have to stop and think as it is a silent P. There was a Maid, Journalist, Cab Driver, Stick Figure, Jigsaw... a whole range. Not alot was drunk but it wasn't needed as the atmosphere was great! I hadn't seen alot of people who were there for a fair while so it was great to catch up.

I made a banana slice and choc coconut slice and some biscuits for nibbles, the banana slice being a bit of a hit. And made my own lemon birthday cake as I love lemon cake and I didn't trust Pat to make it good enough. Hehehe.

My muscles are a little sore this morning as I was jumping and bouncing around all night. And I have a huge bruise on the side of my calf due to me slipping off a step outside the kitchen window. The kids were well behaved too which is great. No kiddie mishaps or tantrums.

All in all it was a great night and I can't wait to see the photos everyone took!!

Email Jokes #1

I'd thought I'd post up an email joke I got today. Saves forwarding it to everyone xD


This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be fucked!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room

Easter weekend and other thoughts

After dropping Vanessa off with my mum at Horsham on Thursday night (got home at 2am) Pat and I drove to Port Pirie to see his family for Easter. We always have a good time when we visit there. As much of a boring town it is being able to sit and relax and do nothing for a few days is a luxury we seldom can afford.

Pat has a very close knit family, and being in a close knit town they always have interesting gossip to tell. They are always very laid back and down to earth and full of advice. A few of them are into real estate (buying, renovating, selling, renting etc) and as Pat and I want to be buying our own place hopefully in the next 5 years it's great to get advice from them now. Apparently now is the best time to buy. Unfortunately we can't do that but we're hoping they can help us out advice wise when we are financially ready to go for it.

I love Pat's mum. She is what I would like my own mother to be. As much as she worries for her kids she doesn't force or demand anything from them. She lets them follow what it is they want to do. She gives advice and encouragement where needed and if they don't follow the advice so be it. No guilt trips, no sighing. None of the things that my mother is.

I know it isn't wholly my mums fault that she is who she is. But it is hard for me to see Pat's mum and everything she is and then look at my mum and not be angry at her for not being there emotionally for me. Just wanting me to succeed and accomplish things that SHE wanted of me not what I wanted of me. I understand that she only wanted better for me than she had herself (She always worked in warehouses or supermarkets) but what I need from her isn't what she is capable of giving me unfortunately.

Anyway, the weekend was a great one and we want to have more weekends like it. We are looking into buying some camping gear so when Pat has a weekend off all three of us can go and camp somewhere for one or two nights to get away from everything. I go my parents a camping guide for Victoria for Christmas one year and I want to get one for SA.

NB: I have been three weeks without my antidepressants and have had no major drops, minor ones but nothing considerable. Been handling negative situations well.

I have added to my Positives of Jess List:

- I read to Vanessa nearly every night
- I have nice eyes
- I have a lot of love to give
- It doesn't take me long to learn to play any instrument
- I love to dance
- Try to make sure I get Vanessa's favourite foods when I go shopping
- Make sure Pat has a decent meal every day
- Will go out of my way to help a friend
- Contagious smile
- Tries to see the positive in everyone
- A people person
- Caring
- Love music
- Esoteric passions; tarot, stones/crystals, the afterlife etc
- Movie buff
- Good cook
- Good at my job
- A kid at heart

My Life Laid Out

A Happier Me

I can't remember the last time I was this happy. I can't seem to stop smiling, I am full of positive energy and I can see the lighter side of everything. I haven't been taking my anti depressants for about a week now and I am at that time when I would be the most snappy and moody person you ever encountered, but not this time.

Not everything is going right. We only have one car as Pat's decided not to work at 12.30am one night so we have to pay for that to be fixed. Centrelink made a HUGE mistake 6 months ago and now we owe them $1600 which we have to appeal; but it's not bringing me down like it normally would.

I don't know exactly what it is but it may have something to do with me working. I have always enjoyed working and I love the job I am in now. I am contributing to the relationship financially as well as emotionally and I don't feel so much like a failure anymore. I am WANTING to get up each morning and when I finish work I'm not dying to sit down and mope for a while I keep going and do things because I can and not because I need or have to.

I have also realised that my relationship with Pat is getting stronger and closer as time goes on and it still has that spark we had over 2 years ago. It's still fun and we still enjoy each others company. I look forward to spending time with him each day be it a few minutes because of our work commitments or a whole day.

Vanessa has also improved and grown. She is now toilet trained and hasn't had an accident for two weeks. She is writing alot more now and loves to play word games. She has also gotten really tall!!

Life is just going really well for me and I hope it continues to do so, and if it doesn't that I can hold onto how I'm feeling at the moment and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My Life Laid Out

Spacing things out

During my sessions with my therapist we talk alot about spacing things out. I have a habit of doing all or nothing. I will get a huge urge to up and clean everything I can get my hands on; bathroom, kitchen, lounge, laundry. If I don't achieve all that I want to during these spurts of energy I get frustrated and upset and feel a failure. That in turn makes me tired and just want to lie in bed and do nothing till the next surge happens.

I am working on this by spacing out each household job. I write To Do lists and try and stick with them. If I do more than whats on the list then I have a sense of achievement which is a great thing for me to feel. Now that I am working I have to space things even more as work takes alot out of me. Working is helping me with my habit as well as helping to solve out financial struggles so it's kicking two of my problems out the door.

I wrote out this weeks To Do list:

Monday: General Tidy

Tuesday: 1 Load of whites
Vacuum
Cook Dinner

Wednesday: 1 Load of darks
Mop
Cook Dinner

Thursday: Complete washing
General Tidy
Cook Dinner

Friday: Cook Dinner

Saturday: Clean bathroom/toilet
Cook Dinner

Sunday: General Tidy
Cook Dinner

As you can see I have allowed myself Friday to do my own thing. I decided to give myself one day a week to relax and not do any housework. At the moment all I ask Pat to do is dishes. As my hours at work increase I will have to ask him to do more. I feel as though I shouldn't as he works hard and as his shifts are all over the place he gets exhausted. He says for me to ask for help and he doesn't mind but I feel as if it is my job to do the housework. I know this is, in a way, wrong but it's a way in which I show him I love him. That I appreciate everything he does to keep us afloat. I guess you could call it a gesture of love.

I love doing things for others, and this is my way of doing something for my family.

My Life Laid Out

I GOT A JOB!!!

After a great day down at The Norwood to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, I think I gained some luck of the Irish as soon I will be bringing in my own pot of gold. Got a call this afternoon from the manager at Aroma Cafe, who I had an interview with last week asking me to come in for an induction and to start work next week. Of course I said yes!!

After 6 months of looking this is VERY exciting and it's the line of work I wanted!! I love working in cafes as you get a whole variety of people coming in as well as regulars and they are always busy. I love a fast paced environment and as I will be doing customer service I get to interact with everyone that comes in and will always be busy.

The cafe is situated on a UniSA campus here in Adelaide so there will be a lot of people my age coming in. I've been thinking lately about how to meet more people my age but it's hard when I have a 4 year old. But such is life and I always meet new friends at work so here's hoping!

My Life Laid Out

Thoughts after a session

**These are the thoughts that go through my head after a session with my psychologist. They may be a bit jumbled and everywhere**


I am not a bad mother. In the four and a half years of my daughters life I have always thought that of myself. It is only recently that I have come to realize that I am a good mum. You wouldn't know it but saying that is an extremely hard thing for me to do. I am not good with compliments. I don't think very highly of myself and when someone does compliment me I wonder what it is they really want. They are saying something good about me because they want something from me. I have to stop thinking this way and start telling myself everything good about me. So in the next three weeks I will be writing a list of all the good points of me. "Easy" you say. Not very after years of constant bullying, being put down by my family and bad relationships.

I will attempt to stop fighting my mother when I don't get the emotional support I need from her. I won't get it as she is not built that way. She will be there supporting me when I am achieving something or supporting myself financially but when things tack a downward turn she doesn't know how to be there to comfort me. I need to find a way to tell her what I'm doing with my life, good or bad, without her telling me to do it differently or something completely different or for her to want to "fix" it. To not let what she says about me, or the people I care about, get to me. At the moment I can't talk to her about anything to do with jobs, money or Vanessa's progress without her finding everything negative in the situation, telling me how to go about it all and what I really should be doing.

I hate my mum making me the reason her and my dad fight most of the time. I am a very emotionally run person so I crave emotional support above any other. My dad can give me the emotional support I need. He will listen when I need to vent, he will tell me its ok when things go wrong. My mum can't do that. I'm close with my dad and mum is very jealous of that. Dad worries about me and vents to mum. When I visit mum brings it up so I explain whats been going on with me and dad understands, but because he doesn't say anything mum has a go at him for sitting back and letting her be the bad guy but all the while she continues on at me about doing everything wrong.

I am slowly finding the triggers that set of my bad thought patterns. Every time I find one I take a breathe and focus on what I am doing instead of the instant thought that comes into my head which helps me stay focused on the situation and not drift off into a downward spiral of self bullying. When I am spending time with Vanessa I have a million and one thoughts going on about what else I need to do, what I could be doing instead, but I try and keep my focus on what I'm doing with Vanessa and soon those thoughts stop and I enjoy the time with Vanessa more. I'm not saying I don't enjoy it otherwise, I do, I just put so much pressure on myself to achieve so much each day that I know I won't get through it all so I call myself a failure if I don't do it so each thing is always on my mind no matter what I'm doing it stops me from enjoying my time with Vanessa to the fullest.

Starting The positive about me list (everything good about me and the good things I do):

I read to Vanessa nearly every night
I have nice eyes
I have a lot of love to give
It doesn't take me long to learn to play any instrument
I love to dance
I try to make sure I get Vanessa's favourite foods when I go shopping
I make sure Pat has a decent meal every day
I will go out of my way to help a friend

(That list is hard for me to do)

My Life Laid Out

Before and after

Okay, so I'm going to be brave today and post up a pic of me in a bikini in January 2008(top) and a pic Pat took of me today in my bikini Jan 2009(bottom)..


I think I was as shocked as anyone when I saw the difference lol

My Life Laid Out

A big start to a new year

So the end of last year was quite busy for me. Lots of parties with lots of new friends, frustrating times and absolutely wonderful times. Now we're into the new year and I have started on a 'Whole self wellness' kick. I plan to sort myself out in every way possible. From every small thought to my tiny toe.

I have finally accepted my depression for what it is and have sought out help with the support of friends and family (family being Pat). I am now on anti-depressants (reboxatine) and am seeing a psychologist regularly as well as regular check-ups with my GP. After my initial GP visit late last year I am feeling much better about myself. I now know that I CAN get better and live life happier within myself which not only will benefit my relationship with myself, but also those of the people around me, especially my daughter.

I am also trying to eat better. Less snacking on junk and more healthy foods. I now have breakfast every morning with Vanessa and try to take my dog for a walk daily. I hope to get back into my hour long walks each morning as I really did enjoy them but got a bit slack. I haven't been too bad snack-wise but I have my moments where I will eat a block of chocolate late at night.

I was thinking of maybe putting up a before photo... kinda scared to do it even though I am a self confessed cam whore but most of the shots are of my face. When I get a chance I will ask Pat to take one of me at my worst so I can post it up. I think it would be good for me to do so. Help me in my progress of whole self wellness.

My Life Laid Out


A few helpful sites for the education, help and awareness of depression:
Beyond Blue: The National Depression Initiative
Black Dog Insitute: The Black Dog Institute is a not-for-profit, educational, research, clinical and community-oriented facility offering specialist expertise in depression and Bipolar Disorder.